TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
A CATHOLIC CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, so you move the bull to another parish.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A NORFOLK CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
... but the other one is your sister.
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Back when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate: "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed: "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. The captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when a young ensign looked at the captain and asked: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted: "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed: "Bring me my brown trousers!"
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Funny quiz show answers
QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Dual carriageway?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
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Young Billy was sitting on the side walk with a small bottle of sulphuric acid, pouring drops on the ants as they crawled past.
A priest passing by saw this, and approached the lad.
"Good morning, young man. What are you doing with that little bottle?" he asked politely.
"I'm burning the ants with the acid," the boy replied.
Thinking that a bottle of acid was dangerous for a small boy to play with, the priest thought of how he could persuade the boy to part with it.
"Listen Son, I have a bottle of holy water here that you could put on the ants instead," said the priest.
"No way Father!" said the boy, "I'd rather have this bottle."
"But mine is special holy water," replied the priest.
"Well, what's so special about it?" enquired the boy.
"Ah," said the priest, "I once put a drop of this on a lady's belly and she passed a child."
"That's nothing!" exclaimed little Billy, "I once put a drop of this on a dog's gonads, and he passed a Kawasaki!!!"
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This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year.
After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Blankets"
After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Food"
After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "I'm Leaving"
The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!"
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Radio Operator No 1:"Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
Radio Operator No 2:"Recommend that you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
No 1:"This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course."
No 2:"No, I say again you divert YOUR course."
No 1:"This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. Navy. Divert your course NOW!"
No 2:"This is a lighthouse. Your call."
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Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was that defined if a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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My girlfriend told me we couldn't afford beer at £20.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending £65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.....
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Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British Rail engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to BR. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked...as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified engineers sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
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An elderly couple had a parlor in which they kept a couple of food bins. One of those bins contained apples, and the other bin contained nuts.
They were having quite a bit of trouble wth mice, so one evening before going to bed they set a couple of mouse traps, one by the bin of apples and one by the bin of nuts.
During the night they heard a trap snap. The old gentleman got up to see which mouse trap had caught a mouse.
On returning to bed his wife asked, "Well did we catch him by the apples?"
The old gentleman replied, "Nope, try again."
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Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!
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Real excerpts from national & local newspapers.
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
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A farmer receives an urgent telephone message from one of his farm labourers, telling him that he had run over a pig with the new land rover.
The farmer calls his worker back and asks him if the land rover is okay.
The man replies "Yes, but the pig is caught in the front grill and is still alive. What do you suggest I do?"
The farmer tells him to shoot the pig, to which the labourer replies "OK, but what do I do with his speed camera?"
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A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'
'You certainly were,' replies the barman.
'And did I spend a lot of money?'
'You spent over £100', replies the barman.
'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it.'
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A duck walks into bar,
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: no
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: no...
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: NO
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: NOOOOO!!!!!
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: If you ask that one more time I'm going to nail your bill to the counter.
Duck: got any nails?
Bartender: NO
Duck: got any bread?
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Phil was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found it a good location, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the Club with me and have a JD & coke?", but there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the Club and having a drink with me?". Again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the Club and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box ................. "I heard you the first time! I'm just putting on my shoes"
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."
But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
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A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
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An Australian backpacker walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager from the barmaid. She recognises his accent and they begin chatting. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place for sex. Although she is attracted to him, she declines. He then offers her £200. The waitress is also travelling the world and is short of funds, so she agrees.
The next night he returns and orders another lager. Later in the evening, he offers her another £200 for her services. She is only too happy to agree. This goes on for five nights. On the sixth night the traveller comes in, orders a lager, and sits in the corner. Hoping to earn more cash in another night of passion, the waitress pulls up a seat, and asks him where's he's from.
"Melbourne," the traveller replies. "So am I! What suburb in Melbourne?" she asks. "Glen Iris," he replies. "That's amazing," she says, "so am I! What street?" "Cameo Street," he replies. "This is unbelievable," she says. "What number?" "Number 20." "You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know," the man replies. "Your father gave me £1,000 to give to you."
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